Author Archives: Carolyn Baana

Dream A Little Dream

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Not all dreams need to be big ones.  In fact, some of our smaller dreams keep us motivated, delighted to do what we can to achieve them.  It’s often these little things that are ours alone.  Goals others might deem strange or at least not very dream-worthy.

So what.  Dream them anyway.

Planning a night out with friends.  Cleaning out that one closet or room.  Finding time to make a favorite seasonal dish.  Organizing your desk.  Having the greenest lawn on the block.  Spending a day at the spa.  Making your own cleaning solutions.

Whatever your little dream is, figure out a way to make it happen.  These little things give a sense of accomplishment that we just won’t get from anything else.  These are the things we do simply for ourselves.  Sure, someone else might also benefit.  But really, we’d be happy even if realizing our little dreams didn’t affect anyone else at all.

Go ahead.  Dream a little dream.

Coaching Challenge: Be Grateful

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This week we’ve had the opportunity to express gratitude for the steady hands of surgeons, for the speed of life flights, and for injuries minor enough to be taken care of with supplies in the first aid isle at Target.  It’s been wild week for our family and friends and I find myself grateful for text messages, real-time updates on Facebook, and the chance to support those I love with prayer.

Even in difficult circumstances, we can find ways to express our gratitude. It’s all about how we look at it, isn’t it?  Going forward our challenge is to find ways to be more grateful.

Here we go….

  • Did you try the “Three Blessings” exercise yet?  Try it for a week.  Notice how it changes your perspective.
  • Next time you find yourself beginning to complain about something – or someone – stop yourself and state a reason you are grateful in the situation – or why you are grateful for that person.
  • Next time you find yourself worrying, do the same.
  • Begin the habit of thinking about what you are grateful for while brushing your teeth, driving to work, or enjoying your morning coffee break.  Fill your mind with gratitude.
  • When you hear someone else complain, respond with a grateful statement.  There is always a silver lining.  Find it.  State it.

With any week focused on being grateful, it has to end with me telling you how grateful I am that you read these posts.  Thank you for giving your precious resource of time to this blog.  You are appreciated and I’m so happy you are here.

Count Your Blessings

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A week focused on being grateful must include the “Three Blessings” exercise. I’ve mentioned it before and here I go again because doing this will change your perspective. Gratitude and thanks have been frequent topics on this site and regular readers know how strongly exercising gratitude contributes to our overall well-being.

In Martin Seligman’s most recent book Flourish, he builds on the Positive Psychology movement with concrete, research-based activities each of us can do to not simply be happy, but to flourish.

Because we spend so much time focusing on the negative (we do, you aren’t alone on this one), taking time to focus on positive events in our lives helps to add balance.  Ready to improve your well-being?  Here’s what Seligman suggests:

Every night for the next week, set aside ten minutes before you go to sleep.  Write down three things that went well today and why they went well.  You may use a journal or your computer to write about the events, but it is important that you have a physical record of what you wrote.  The three things need not be earthshaking in importance (“My husband picked up my favorite ice cream for dessert on the way home from work today”), but they can be important (“My sister just gave birth to a healthy baby boy”).

Next to each positive event, answer the question “Why did this happen?”  For example, if you wrote that your husband picked up some ice cream, write “because my husband is really thoughtful sometimes” or “because I remembered to call him from work and remind him to stop by the grocery store.” Or if you wrote, “My sister just gave birth to a healthy baby boy,” you might pick as the cause “God was looking out for her” or “She did everything right during her pregnancy.”

Writing about why the positive events in your life happened may seem awkward at first, but please stick with it for one week.  It will get easier.  The odds are that you will be less depressed, happier, and addicted to this exercise six months from now.

This activity is appropriately called the “Three Blessings” exercise.  How wonderful to set aside time each day to count our blessings!  We have so many…

You can find all books mentioned in this blog online at the Coach Carolyn Store.

Still A Grateful Kid

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We all have so many reasons to be grateful.  In particular, I’m grateful for the amazing people around me. Like many of you, I have incredible friends, family and colleagues who I’m surrounded by each day. From all those people, today I’m going to focus on my parents.

The closer we grow to our friends, the more we often learn about their upbringing and their relationships with their parents. And the more I learn, I realize how blessed I am. I grew up in a pretty strict home with high expectations. It was also filled with love and support.

When other kids were told that they wouldn’t amount to much, I was told that I could be anything I wanted to be. My dad thought that anything I wanted to be would come to me more quickly if I sought a business degree… but that’s another story. They supported me as I tossed around ideas of being a flight attendant, a hair stylist, and a veterinarian. And they continued to support me as I made my decision to follow my future husband to the university he attended in pursuit of that business degree that my dad was pretty much right about. And when I decided to quit after three years, supportive again (though they may have thought I was nuts!).

Now it’s years later and my parents show up for every possible function that our kids are a part of. They nailed and sawed and varnished our lake cabin as we renovated.  While he was in Afghanistan, my mom sent care packages to my brother almost every week, frequently with her homemade biscotti. As adults, we continue to know that we are loved, supported and cherished.

On top of all this, they are fun to be around, too. They are people I would choose as friends if I hadn’t been blessed to have them as my parents.

So how could I not be filled with gratitude? Love you Mom and Dad…

Grateful Remembrance

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Today is a powerful anniversary for our country.  As I, like many of you, look back at that terrible day; what I remember most is being grateful.  Terrified.  Horrified.  Sick.  And grateful.

If your workplace was like mine, everything stopped and we all gathered around a TV in a common area of our building.  My husband and I worked at the same place, so we soon found each other and watched the day unfold together, surrounded by several coworkers who were – and still are – close friends.

The conversation echoed with many “We were just there,” statements, said with disbelief and shock.  This is why I was grateful.  It was awful to see and impossible to understand, but we were together.  My husband and friends who had been in NYC just a few days before were safely in Fargo.  We were spared frantic calls trying to place whereabouts.  Or worse.  Spared the worry that could have been added to the day.

Knowing that it could have easily gone the other way created sincere, deep empathy for our kindred Americans going through the experience.  So many of us have been to NYC and so many of us love it there that it felt close to home, even when it wasn’t.

Eleven years later I am still grateful.  I’m grateful to the men and women who have risked their lives both in the Middle East and here on our American soil in attempts to make our lives safer.  I’m grateful that the people of New York and the country chose to make a beautiful monument to honor those whose lives were sadly taken that day.  And I am, of course, profoundly grateful to have my husband with me in Fargo where he belongs.

You can be sure that the American spirit will prevail over this tragedy. ~Colin Powell

And it has.  For that, we can all be grateful.

Coaching: Following

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Perhaps this week is the first time you’ve given any thought to being an exceptional follower.  With all the focus on leadership, it’s no wonder so few of us have spent much time thinking through our followership skills.  Today, let’s change that by asking ourselves how we can all be better followers.

Here we go….

Yes, you may be a leader.  However, you are also a follower, too.  Take a moment to identify areas where you are a follower.  If not at work, maybe it’s at a charity where you volunteer or a special project you’re working on with others.

How well do you play the role of Follower?  What can you do to listen and trust the leaders in your life?  How can you better support them?  What do they need from you to better lead?

Thinking about the next followership opportunity that comes your way, what can you do to be a great follower from the beginning?  What will it take for you to get on board quickly and take direction when needed?

Most importantly, what reminder can you put in place to keep yourself from focusing on what the leader could do better and instead focus on what you can do to help him or her lead better?

We are all followers at some point or another so we may as well be awesome followers!

Follow The Leader

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There can’t be any leaders if there are no followers and each leader must lead at least one person, usually many.  I’m doing the math and figure there are more followers out there than leaders, yet an Amazon search brings up over 100,000 results for “leadership” versus 236 for “followership.”  Seems like it should be the other way around.

In any event, we are followers even if we’re also leaders.  Most of us are leading in some ways, following in others.  These are roles, after all, not permanent titles affixed to us regardless of circumstance.  And most of the time we’re followers, not leaders (again, simply doing the math…).

Given this, how many of us have spent time thinking about how we can be better followers?  Observing the scant number of books on the topic, my guess is just a few.

So how can we be better followers?

  • Listen  We’ve got to hear what our leaders are saying if we’re going to effectively follow.  Knowing what our leaders need is found in the words they say.  We must hear them.
  • Trust  Our leader has been put in place because of his or her expertise, experience, and understanding of the organization.  Trust that he or she knows what’s going on and has put thought into decisions made.  If a decision doesn’t make sense, there may be something you don’t know that he or she does.  Believe they have good intentions.
  • Manage Up  Fill your leader in on what you are doing.  Don’t withhold information.  Be honest when you encounter roadblocks.  Ask for help when you need it.  Don’t surprise them at the last minute with bad news.  Share good news, too.
  • Follow First  Get on board with ideas and changes quickly.  Be an advocate for what needs to be done.  Don’t drag your feet and push back on inevitable change.  Watch First Follower: Leadership Lessons from Dancing Guy.  “The first follower transforms the lone nut into a leader.”

Ultimately, what each of us can do best as followers is to follow the lead of the leader.  The leader will tell us how we can best follow if we listen, trust, and follow.

We Are All Followers

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Following a tweet, over the weekend I was lead to an article on being a follower.  Reading this got me thinking about how much time and attention is focused on being a leader and yet we rarely see articles on how to be a good follower.

And we are all followers.

With this focus on leadership, followers are sometimes characterized as sheep, conformists, maybe even lazy.  After all, if we were really bringing our A-game, then we’d clearly be the leader, right?

Without realizing it, many of us think this way.  And at the same time we’ve also observed situations where there were too many people trying to lead and relatively few willing to dig in and do the work.  Not enough participants willing to follow someone else’s lead.

It may be time to ditch this notion that being a follower is a bad thing and focus instead on how to follow well.  I know there have been times where I’ve spent too much time focusing on how (I thought) I could lead something better than the leader, which could only result in being a pretty poor follower.  Had I been a better follower, it likely would have been better for the organization and probably better for my career, too.

So where are you trying to lead when you should really be following?  It’s a question I’ll be asking myself more and more.

Coaching: Expectations

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Regardless of whether we set our own expectations or someone else sets them for us, the expectations placed upon us can either motivate or discourage us.  It depends on whether we meet them or not, right?!  When thinking about the expectations you have for your career, your relationships, or other areas of your life, keep in mind that the source and the essence of these expectations plays a role in how you feel about your success.  With that in mind, let’s dig a little deeper.

Here we go….

Where do your expectations come from?  Have you set them yourself or have you accepted them from someone else?

First, think about those you have set for yourself.  How realistic are they?  Are they a source of motivation or do you use them to beat yourself up?  What would a motivating expectation look like for you?  How can you rewrite your own expectations so that you aren’t letting yourself down?

And for those expectations that have been given to you, have you accepted them freely or are they being imposed on you?  Those being imposed by someone other than your employer should be accepted or let go.  For those being accepted by you, how can you make them your own?  This will help make them motivators for you.

Finally, examine your relationships and be sure that you aren’t imposing your own expectations on someone else unnecessarily.  Your relationship will benefit from it.

I expect to take a long, relaxing weekend.  I hope you do as well!  Enjoy every last moment of summer.

Your Expectations

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Yesterday’s post was about not taking on the expectations of others when those expectations aren’t clearly set or stated.  We shouldn’t accept the guilt or burden of meeting what we didn’t know someone else wanted from us.

Perhaps more importantly, we need to be sure that this isn’t something that we’re doing to someone else.  I think those of us who are parents are exceptionally good at this.  After all, what sort of parents would we be if we didn’t have expectations of our children?  We also do this to our spouse, our parents, family, coworkers and friends.  And we shouldn’t.

I’m not saying that we shouldn’t have expectations.  I’m saying that those expectations need to be clear and stated.  If you expect your kids do something, tell them.  If it sounds ridiculous when you say it out loud, it’s probably not a fair expectation.  This also goes for anyone else that you feel may have let you down.  Did they know you expected something from them?  Do they even know that you feel like they let you down?

So go ahead and set expectations if it’s your place to do so.  If it’s not, then don’t and just let it go.

Outside Expectations

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As high as our own expectations may be, it seems like we all have at least one person in our lives whose expectations we will never meet.  There’s always someone out there that thinks we should be more, do more, or have more.  Unfortunately, often these people also don’t come right out and tell us what they expect, they just let us know when we’ve let them down by not meeting those unsaid expectations.

As frustrating as this can be, this is about them.  Not you.

Read through that first paragraph again.  When put in its abstract form, you can readily see that there isn’t much of anything you can do to meet an unsaid, implied, or vague expectation.  It’s out of your hands.

In this circumstance, what matters is how we react to the situation.  Granted, if the person is close to us it’s difficult to not feel like we’ve let him or her down.  And if we haven’t met our own expectations as well, adding the knowledge that we’ve let someone else down can make everything seem worse.

Not fair.

In an ideal world, we’d be able to let the person know that placing expectations on us isn’t fair and that it should stop because it’s not helpful.  And right now you’re thinking, “Yeah, right.  Have you met my mom (or dad, or spouse, or friend)?”

OK, maybe that conversation isn’t going to happen.  What can happen is that you can anticipate it, remind yourself that it’s not about you, and then when it comes refuse to let it demean you in any way.

When we miss expectations that have been clearly set and that we’ve agreed to, we need to come clean, own up to whatever we did to miss the mark, and take responsibility for what comes next.  When expectations are undefined and misplaced, they are not ours to own.  Don’t take them on after the fact.  Just listen and move on.

High Expectations

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The expectations we set for ourselves can be more unforgiving that those others set for us.  Oftentimes this can be good for us as we push ourselves further in our careers, exercise routines or other competitive situations.

This is true for me as well.  Regardless of what sort of personality assessment I take, if there’s a measurement for “competitive,” it’s usually off the charts.  The thing that’s interesting is that when people find this out about me they are usually surprised.

This is likely because my competitiveness doesn’t always show.  If you and I were in a race or working together or playing a game, I would likely not be competing with you.  I’m competing with myself.  I’m constantly comparing the success I have now to successes in my past in just about everything I do.

Why am I telling you this?

How this translates is that my expectations for myself get higher and higher (at least that’s the goal!) and subsequently I am harder and harder on myself regarding the level of success I should achieve.  And that can be incredibly difficult to maintain.

It doesn’t matter if I’m canning vegetables, getting a review score, or playing Solitaire on my phone, I want every batch, every review, every game to be better than the one before.  That can be pretty exhausting.

The good news is that I know this about myself.  Intellectually I know that every outcome can’t be better than the last.  I’m able to remind myself of this when my expectations aren’t met which helps me move on to the next goal.

So set those expectations high but remember that there’s likely a point where achieving better results every time simply isn’t possible.  When you miss the high bar that you set, recall your long-term ambitions and remember that over time you are improving as you continue to set high expectations for yourself.

Coaching Challenge: Relax

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It seems odd to put out a “challenge” to relax, but a challenge seemed more appropriate than simply asking readers to think about how they could relax.  As you’ve read here this week, relaxing is something that must be done, not simply thought about.  And so, this your challenge to relax.

Here we go….

You may be a person who relaxes often or someone who rarely does; either way, we all can relax more than we do.  These challenges go out to all.

  • Right now, what are your shoulders doing?  Are they somewhere up around your ears?  Breathe in deeply through your nose and let them drop as you exhale.  Push those guys down if you need to (I need to!).  Repeat until your shoulders are truly relaxed and where they should be.
  • Now that you’re more relaxed, check out your schedule next week and find 30 minutes when you can plan to relax.  What will you do?  Below are a few suggestions.
    • Go for a walk.  Alone.  No headphones.  Just you and your thoughts.
    • Light some candles, fill the bathtub, and soak.
    • Lie down and listen to calming music, ocean waves or loons.
    • Read.
    • If you can carve off 60 minutes, get a massage. Or a facial. Or meet a friend you haven’t seen in too long.
  • What if none of these things sounds appealing to you?  Use your 30 minutes to figure out what relaxes you.  Pay attention over the next few days and recognize when your stress level goes down.  Capture and remember those things so you can do more of them.
  • Do you have kids in your life? Find time to do something relaxing with them. Children often respond favorably to bike rides, walking the dog, or playing a card game.  You’ll be teaching them how to relax and they won’t even know it!
  • Extra credit: Make that 30-minute (or 60-minute) time slot a recurring event.

Relax. Refresh. Renew.

What Relaxes You?

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Sure, we all know we need to relax.  The next thing to do is to figure out exactly what that means.

This was brought to light as I discussed yesterday’s post with the teen mentioned there.  He said he relaxes all the time when he plays video games – and then proceeded to tell me which ones relaxed him the most.

Sigh.

Then again, maybe he’s right.  After all, who am I to say what will lower his stress levels?  Perhaps gaming really does do that for him.  I know there are plenty of things that other people do to relax that I would never, ever do to relieve stress.  Gaming would definitely cause me more stress than relief!  Golf is another example.  Just holding a club makes me tense up.  Others find it to be a perfect release.

Like happiness, success and so many other things, relaxation is yet another thing that we need to define for ourselves.  Whatever those things are for you, the key is to make time to do them regularly.

Relax, My Child

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It’s the last day of summer vacation for Fargo kids.  Since I work from home I’ve had the pleasure of spending quite a bit of time with my teen and his friends over the summer months.  They are at that age where they’re constantly moving with high energy.  Even so, it’s rare to see them not engaged with some sort of electronic device.  And I, like many parents, try to remember to suggest a break from all things plugged in or charged from time to time.  It happens, but not often enough.

How can they ever relax?  True, my son could pop in his ear buds, close his eyes, and listen to soothing music.  Yeah, right.  OK, so maybe it is an uphill journey to get a teen to relax.  However, it’s a journey that parents should encourage children to take.

Most of us who have teens grew up during a time when we had to figure out what to do when it came to play.  There were stretches of silence and boredom and solitude.  Whether we liked it or not, this was a kind of forced relaxation.  Not so with our kids.

Fast forward and as adults we are reminded of the importance of relaxation because of the health and emotional benefit this time of renewal brings.  Think of how much harder it will be for our young adult children to relax when they’ve rarely done so throughout their lives.

In her book Simplify Your Life, Elaine St. James encourages us to “Teach Your Kids the Joy of Solitude.”

…teach them how to spend a quiet afternoon at home.  Set up a regular time in their week where they can be away from the unremitting influence of their peers, as well as away from the pandemonium of the electronic age.  Fortify them with good books (but no TV) and thoughtful meditative exercises they can do, so they get in the habit of personal reflection, and of seeing answers within their own heart.

Once your children learn the joy of solitude, it’ll be a gift they can carry with them throughout their lives.

A gift.  No, my kiddo won’t feel like it’s a gift when I suggest he does nothing for a while.  My hope is that one day when he’s an adult and needs to break free from the stress of his days, perhaps then he’ll look back and thank his mom for allowing him to be alone with his thoughts and reflections.  Until then, I’ll continue to encourage him to relax on his journey.

Relax. Refresh. Renew.

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The first post here this week is on Tuesday instead of Monday because I’m coming off a relaxing long weekend.  Sure, every moment wasn’t stress-free, but overall I’m feeling refreshed because I was able to spend time away from home enjoying dear friends.  And I had a massage, too!

While I tend to be a person on the move, I’m also someone who recognizes the need to take time to recharge.  Unfortunately, the momentum most of us have in our lives is to go, move, do instead of relax, refresh, renew.  It seems contrary, but we need to plan to relax.  Deliberately recline.  Purposefully stop and do nothing.

As I say to my kids, “need” is a strong word and I deliberately use it here.  We do need to relax.  Why?  According to the experts at Mayo Clinic, there are many health benefits to relaxation.

Practicing relaxation techniques can reduce stress symptoms by:

  • Slowing your heart rate
  • Lowering blood pressure
  • Slowing your breathing rate
  • Increasing blood flow to major muscles
  • Reducing muscle tension and chronic pain
  • Improving concentration
  • Reducing anger and frustration
  • Boosting confidence to handle problems

To get the most benefit, use relaxation techniques along with other positive coping methods, such as exercising, getting enough sleep, and reaching out to supportive family and friends.

This you know.  We all know these things because when we take time to truly relax we can feel it way down in our core.  We feel healthier.  We feel happier.  We are, simply, less stressed.

Feeling stressed?  Relax.  Refresh.  Renew.

Enjoy Today

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With the past, I have nothing to do; nor with the future.  I live now.  ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Live for today.  Something we hear all the time, isn’t it?  That said, we also are told to dream, set big goals, and look to the future as we make glorious plans.  How to do both?

I mentioned last week that in order to support my long-term goals, I might have to give up some comfort and convenience in the short term.  Since writing that I’ve been wondering, “Do I?”

Maybe.  But maybe not.  I do think there is opportunity for all of us to get too focused on what we want versus what we have.  And what we have is usually pretty darn good.  As the saying goes… the things you take for granted someone else is praying for.

So it all comes back to balance, I suppose.  Make choices for the future and also be happy with today.  As long as more choices are made to move ahead than to stay with the status quo, progress is being made.  Every comfortable and convenient thing in the present need not be abandoned.

After all, these are the things prayed for in the past.  We must enjoy today.

What Will You Give Up?

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Maybe it was a quote posted by a friend or in an email I received, but somewhere recently I was reminded that to move toward a goal oftentimes something must be given up to make it happen.

It’s been on my mind because I’ve been thinking about how, with my youngest headed back to school in a few days, I should reincorporate more structure into my day as I definitely lack discipline during the summer months.  Sure, I’ve managed to stay fairly active with exercising and I eat breakfast every day.  Other than that, my summer has lacked routine.

Also no secret is the fact that early risers and well-organized individuals get more out of their mornings and, therefore, their days.  I want to be one of those people, so I’m thinking that an early, consistent wake-up coupled with a morning routine will be just the thing to do.  The benefits will be multiple.

Unfortunately, that means I’ll have shut off the lights at an earlier hour than I’ve been.  The things I enjoy doing in the late night hours will have to go.

As I think about this, I realize that it will need to be a conscious decision to quit doing certain things in the evening so that I am able to go to bed earlier and, as a consequence, be able to get up without hitting the snooze button each AM.  If I fail to release those activities I’m sure to continue them; I’ll try to fit in too much and the result will be maintaining the status quo.

This give-and-take between priorities takes place all the time.  In order to be thin, calories must go.  To be debt-free, purchases have to be delayed or skipped.  If you want to take on a new job, the old one has to be left behind.

We can say we want to do or achieve something but until we make the commitment to let go of what’s holding us back, the likelihood of seeing that happen will be decreased.

So, what are you willing to give up to get what you want?

Coaching: Choices

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Have this week’s posts reminded you of a choice you’ve been struggling with? Putting off? Ignoring? Are you ready to put some more thought into making that decision and then, perhaps, going ahead and making it?

Got one in mind? Then let’s move ahead with this week’s mini coaching engagement.

Here we go…

You’ve delayed making a choice this long… what criteria do you need to have met in order to make your final decision? What internal or external obstacles do you have in making this decision?

Have you been waiting for someone else to make choices for you? Are you intentionally giving your power of decision away to them? What benefit are you receiving by passing on this power? Is it well placed?

And here’s a favorite question of mine to consider: If nothing changed from how it is today, what would the future look like? How does answering this question change your perspective on the importance of making this choice? Has it made it more important? Less?

After answering these questions, what will you do next? What will be your first step toward making your decision? How practical would it be to give yourself a deadline to make it? When you meet the above-defined criteria, how quickly will you make your choice after that?

What is clearer to you now? Are you ready?  Choose.

Limit Your Options

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Do you have too many options?  Oddly enough, there are those who tell us that having too many choices available can cause distress and paralyze decision-making.  The more I think about it, the more I have to agree.

Lately I’ve observed that when I get more specific about what I want, choices come easier.  The lease on my car will be up soon and the thought of car shopping has been a bit overwhelming.  But as I began to limit myself by defining the type of vehicle, whether to buy new or used, and even getting specific about the color, looking has become easier.  The process of limiting my choices has provided the freedom to shop because I have a plan.

That’s not to say that I couldn’t change my course of action in the process; however, I don’t have the same sense of dread that I had before when I think about figuring out what it is that I’ll drive next.

This same experience has happened when making choices about where to live, when to vacation, what to eat, or even how to dress for a certain event.  Limiting options makes choosing simpler.

Feeling overwhelmed regarding decisions you need to make?  Maybe it’s time to limit your options; whittle them down until your choices become fewer.  You may be surprised how regulating your choices can be liberating and help decisions become less stressful.