Tag Archives: values

Pursue Your Passion

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It can be frustrating when others don’t share our passion about something.  When we see an injustice and want to correct it, why doesn’t everyone see it and want to shout from the rooftops with us?

We’ve each got to shout about our own thing.

Recently a friend asked that I donate to a cause.  It’s a cause I follow and care about, but it isn’t my cause.  As she asked I thought about all the good a check of the same size could do for my charity of choice, and I said, “no.”  And I did so completely guilt free.  I know she and people like her are taking care of business over there so that I can focus on what needs to be done in another place.

IMG_0229I’m thrilled that there are people who take care of abandoned and abused animals, who write eloquent letters to encourage our legislators to support equality, or who act to create services for children in our community.  To them and so many more, thank you.  While you’re working on that, I’ll worry about Africa, young mothers, clean water, and a natural food supply.

Oh, I want you to know all about the work that stirs passion in me, but I know you may not change where your money flows, how you spend your volunteer time, or what food you consume.  It’s OK.  It’s my passion, not yours.

Whatever it is that moves your heart to action, go make a difference.  Please.  We can’t all do everything, so we must do the few things that really matter to us personally.  Also remember, when I don’t get fired up about something like you do, it’s not that I don’t care.  It’s just that I’m working to make a difference somewhere else.

Thank You, Friends

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Several of my friends – and likely yours, too – have taken their gratitude to Facebook over the course of November, each day listing another blessing in their lives for which they are thankful.

I haven’t done this, primarily because it never occurs to me to start in on November 1st and then I’m behind.  It’s a fun and uplifting exercise.  And yet, I noticed a post where someone was thankful that Facebook had the feature to hide posts from others who were doing this so that he wouldn’t have to endure seeing them.

What?!

How jaded have we become if somebody’s public note of thanks is an event that rubs us the wrong way?  Personally, each note of gratitude I see reminds me of a similar blessing I have and I find myself noting that I’m thankful for that as well.

And so I want to thank my friends who are sharing their gratitude this month.  I’m delighted to see my social networking feeds filled with appreciation, blessing, and joy.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Coaching Challenge: Be Grateful

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This week we’ve had the opportunity to express gratitude for the steady hands of surgeons, for the speed of life flights, and for injuries minor enough to be taken care of with supplies in the first aid isle at Target.  It’s been wild week for our family and friends and I find myself grateful for text messages, real-time updates on Facebook, and the chance to support those I love with prayer.

Even in difficult circumstances, we can find ways to express our gratitude. It’s all about how we look at it, isn’t it?  Going forward our challenge is to find ways to be more grateful.

Here we go….

  • Did you try the “Three Blessings” exercise yet?  Try it for a week.  Notice how it changes your perspective.
  • Next time you find yourself beginning to complain about something – or someone – stop yourself and state a reason you are grateful in the situation – or why you are grateful for that person.
  • Next time you find yourself worrying, do the same.
  • Begin the habit of thinking about what you are grateful for while brushing your teeth, driving to work, or enjoying your morning coffee break.  Fill your mind with gratitude.
  • When you hear someone else complain, respond with a grateful statement.  There is always a silver lining.  Find it.  State it.

With any week focused on being grateful, it has to end with me telling you how grateful I am that you read these posts.  Thank you for giving your precious resource of time to this blog.  You are appreciated and I’m so happy you are here.

Still A Grateful Kid

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We all have so many reasons to be grateful.  In particular, I’m grateful for the amazing people around me. Like many of you, I have incredible friends, family and colleagues who I’m surrounded by each day. From all those people, today I’m going to focus on my parents.

The closer we grow to our friends, the more we often learn about their upbringing and their relationships with their parents. And the more I learn, I realize how blessed I am. I grew up in a pretty strict home with high expectations. It was also filled with love and support.

When other kids were told that they wouldn’t amount to much, I was told that I could be anything I wanted to be. My dad thought that anything I wanted to be would come to me more quickly if I sought a business degree… but that’s another story. They supported me as I tossed around ideas of being a flight attendant, a hair stylist, and a veterinarian. And they continued to support me as I made my decision to follow my future husband to the university he attended in pursuit of that business degree that my dad was pretty much right about. And when I decided to quit after three years, supportive again (though they may have thought I was nuts!).

Now it’s years later and my parents show up for every possible function that our kids are a part of. They nailed and sawed and varnished our lake cabin as we renovated.  While he was in Afghanistan, my mom sent care packages to my brother almost every week, frequently with her homemade biscotti. As adults, we continue to know that we are loved, supported and cherished.

On top of all this, they are fun to be around, too. They are people I would choose as friends if I hadn’t been blessed to have them as my parents.

So how could I not be filled with gratitude? Love you Mom and Dad…

Put Your Money Where Your Mouth Is

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What have you done for someone else lately?  In what way have you supported someone’s business or career?  While our individual effort propels our success, we have all had times when the added support of our friends, family and network have moved us along a little faster than had we gone it alone.

Unfortunately, I’m not sure that many of us truly understand the impact that our individual support can have.

An owner of a small business in a small town once told me how people in her town would come into her store, tell her how much they loved it and how happy they were to have her there, and then walk out empty handed.  Her store is no longer in business.

It’s this story that drives me to shop locally as much as I can.  Sure, I might pay a dollar more for something at the grocery store in the small town near my lake cabin, but I would rather spend that extra dollar than have the store disappear altogether.

I bring this up as a tangible example of what we can do to support each other.  Most of us know someone who has a small business or sells something that we need.  Coffee shop owners need you to buy from them instead of a big chain.  Artists need you to buy their art, not simply admire it.  Your friend who sells cars can get you any previously owned car you seek and probably will give you a good deal, too.  That young adult who just started a new sales career needs you to listen to what they can offer and to recommend their services to your network.  And you can just as easily find a gift in a small local boutique as you can at one of the big box stores.

True, we can support one another with our words and that can be very pleasing to hear.  However, when it comes to true support we all need to remember to put our money where our mouth is by supporting friends, family and our network with our hard-earned cash.  This is tangible, measurable support that makes a real difference to those who receive it.

Support The 3/50 Project.  Pick three local businesses and spend $50 at those locations each month.  Can’t afford that?  Pick one.  Or spend $20.  Support your network and your community.

First Things First, Sharpen The Saw, and The Abundance Mindset

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Today’s topic was all cued up and ready to go… and then I heard about the passing of Stephen Covey and felt it would be more appropriate to reflect on what his work meant to me.

The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People was the first business book that had an impact on my career.  It was the first business seminar I experienced; the first opportunity I had to focus on personal development outside of academia.

What an amazing foundation on which to build a career.  Because of this early learning, putting “first things first” and understanding the importance of “sharpening the saw” are fundamental to how I organize and prioritize my activities and life.  I try my very best to focus on what is important versus what is urgent.  And time for rejuvenation is always a part of my planning.

Above and beyond the specific seven habits, Covey also introduced the idea of the abundance mentality.  On The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People Wikipedia page, the abundance mentality is described as this:

Covey coined the idea of abundance mentality or abundance mindset, a concept in which a person believes there are enough resources and success to share with others. He contrasts it with the scarcity mindset (i.e., destructive and unnecessary competition), which is founded on the idea that, if someone else wins or is successful in a situation, that means you lose; not considering the possibility of all parties winning (in some way or another) in a given situation. Individuals with an abundance mentality are able to celebrate the success of others rather than feel threatened by it.

Expect that everyone can win.  Sharing information and helping others doesn’t mean that we have less; it often means that we have more.  Celebrate success even when it isn’t your own.

What a legacy to leave.  Thank you.

Coaching Challenge: Be A Mentor

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Hopefully this week you’ve been convinced that choosing to mentor someone would be a good idea.  Naturally, this week’s coaching challenge is all about taking the next step – how can you find a mentee?  Following are a few ideas to spur your imagination and creativity.

Here we go….

  • When a new employee comes to your company or someone is reorganized to your team, take the opportunity to show them the ropes.  They’ll appreciate it and you’ll likely gain new perspective of your role through their eyes.  Remember to do this from a humble place; never be condescending to those who are new to their job.
  • Are there teens or young adults in your life?  Listen to what they say in conversation as they are often seeking to learn more.  Simply having gone through those years of making life-changing decisions makes you a candidate to mentor and be a sounding board.
  • Volunteer.  There are many programs out there looking for mentors.  As I mentioned earlier this week, I have worked with young mothers through the Jeremiah Program.  Boys and Girls Club of America and Big Brothers Big Sisters are other organizations that come to mind.  Again, your life experiences will bring a wealth of knowledge and understanding to a young person’s life when you volunteer in these circumstances.
  • Let others know you are willing and available to be a mentor.  Tell your manager, your peers, your pastor, your friends – whoever makes sense – that you are looking to make a difference in another person’s life.  You may be surprised by what opportunities come to light.

And now, go do it.  Block off an hour in your calendar next week to act on this.  Get ready to make a real, lasting impact in the life of another human being.  You have so much to give.  Go give it.

Boldly Be You

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It is best when we can boldly be who we truly are.  Regardless.

How often have you allowed other voices to sway your decision-making?  When we make decisions based on what other people think, we are giving them a lot of power.

In a presentation that I gave recently I asked the participants to write down the names of those who influenced their definition of success.  In the discussion that followed it was mentioned that the people on the list would likely be surprised that they were there.  Wouldn’t you be?

This happens when we don’t hold enough confidence in ourselves.  When we lack the boldness to make our own decisions.  Define our own success.  Make our own way.

I’ve been learning that every decision I make needs to be right for me, and that I don’t have to explain what I do to everyone else.  Sure, there are people that should hold some sway – my husband, for example – but even he can’t fully know what’s best for me.

I must come to that understanding myself and boldly be me.

Boldly be you.

Coaching Challenge: Confidence

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It seems that confidence will wane in a particular area.  For example, we can be very confident on one project at work but not another or confident around everyone except for a certain person.  Take a moment to think about where and when you have less confidence than you normally do as we go through today’s mini coaching exercise.  It’s time to boost your confidence and the confidence of those around you!

Here we go….

  • When thinking about the situation where you’re confidence is less than you’d like it to be, remember why you chose to do what you’re doing in the first place.
  • What one thing can you do to remind yourself of why it is that you are doing this?  Identify the value or the dream associated with this area and focus on it.
  • Has a recent failure damaged your confidence?  Like Davis, you may have failed but that doesn’t mean you’re a failure.  Take note of what you learned from the experience.  Recognize the value you brought in it.  Find your confidence in knowing that you were true to yourself and others.
  • If it’s around a particular person that your confidence depletes, ask yourself these questions:
    • What makes this person so important to you?  Is that valid?
    • What can you do to change how you react around them?
    • If the person is unavoidable (a parent, boss or significant other), what can you do to take your power back?  There could be another post on this… but really, that loss of confidence you feel is the power you hand over to them.  Remember that it’s yours to give and to take.

And finally, who needs your confidence?  Give it to them.

Your Confidence – A Gift To Others

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Confidence, like trust, is something that we give to others.  And as we give our confidence to others, an interesting thing happens: their own confidence grows.

For those of you who have relationships with children, you’ve likely witnessed this many times.  Kids tend to be more transparent about their confidence level as it can seem to affect their whole demeanor and even physical presence.  As we give them our confidence, they stand taller and beam as they take on our confidence as their own.

Perhaps you’ve also witnessed this at work.  When someone falters, particularly in front of people or while others are waiting for him, we can either become impatient with him or we can let him know we are confident in his abilities to continue.  When we choose to give our confidence to him, again, we are able to witness his confidence growing and the task can then be completed.

Giving confidence to others can be difficult; it requires us to let go of some control.

Being confident that a child will put away the dishes without breaking any requires us to let him do it – maybe even without supervision.

Giving our confidence to a coworker to finish her part of a project requires us to let it go and let her get it done in her own way.

Confidently allowing a sibling to make day-to-day decisions about aging parents because he or she lives closer to them means we need to give up judging the choices made.

Giving confidence to others means having patience, offering trust, and letting go of judgment.  When we are able to do this for others, the results can be amazing as their own confidence grows.

A Lesson In Confidence

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Sometimes we learn lessons from our children.

Several years ago now, our youngest son decided to run for Treasurer of his class.  We had recently moved so he was new to the school, but he still wanted to give it a try.

He spent time with us discussing his platform and rehearsing his speech and when the day came, he dressed up in his suit coat and headed off to school.

His speech went off without a hitch, we’re told.  And then his competition took the stage… and threw candy out to the audience.  You can guess who won.

As we heard him tell the story about his lesson in how politics really work, I was bracing for his reaction, ready for the tears.  They never came.

You see Davis was confident in what he had presented.  Confident in his ideas, confident that he had taken the path that was right for him, and confident that he’d been true to his values and ideas.  He had failed in his run but he was not a failure.

How often we lose confidence because things don’t work out as we’d hoped!  When we know that we’ve been true to ourselves, that’s when we need to remain confident in knowing who we are and what we’ve presented to the world.

Thank you, Davis.  Lesson learned.

Putting Your Strengths To Work – Today!

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If during this week’s discussion on using strengths you’ve realized that you aren’t using your strengths daily in your work, don’t despair.  This doesn’t mean you have to quit your job to go find one that will.  You can probably figure out how to use your strengths right where you are.

For example, when I find myself in a meeting that’s not completely productive, using my strengths of “Forgiveness and Mercy” and “Capacity to Love and Be Loved” helps me to remember that not all meetings go as the facilitator planned.  It brings me patience to get through.

When I’m in a training session and I think I’ve heard it all before, bringing my strength of “Love of Learning” helps me dig deeper for a nugget of information I didn’t know before.

And using my strength of “Curiosity and Interest in the World” is something that I can use in every interaction that I have with another person, regardless of what I’m doing.

[Note: These are my top Character Strengths from the VIA Survey.  If you’ve completed a different strengths survey, these terms may sound different to you.]

Of course, to do all this it sometimes takes a very conscious decision to do so.  And when I work to keep my strengths top-of-mind, I am able to make it happen.

So no, you don’t have to quit your job.  Simply figure out how to bring your highest strengths to everything that you do.  You’ll be happier when you do.

To take the strengths survey mentioned above, navigate to www.authentichappiness.org and register for a free account. Once registered, check out the questionnaires and find the VIA Survey of Character Strengths (there’s a lot of other great stuff there, too). 

Defining Fulfillment

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How much attention do you pay to what truly fulfills you?  How much thought have you given it?

When we think about defining success or balance, it often comes down to feelings of fulfillment.  We feel successful when we feel fulfilled.  We feel balanced when we feel fulfilled.

Given this, you’d think we’d spend more time thinking about what that means for us.  More often than not, we’re moving too fast to pay attention when it happens.

There are many things that have the potential to fulfill our lives: time with family or friends, travel, specific tasks we do well, recognition, worship, writing, and the list goes on.  These things have the potential to fulfill; however, even this short list easily shows how my list will never match your list.  Things I find fulfilling may drain you completely.

People often let others define what success means or even what balance should mean.  But fulfillment is something that seems inherently personal; it’s something that must be felt and known individually.  Personally.

Pay attention to what fulfills you and you’ll begin to understand what will bring balance, success, and happiness to you.

Defining Balance

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“Balance” is a myth.  You know that, right?  What we must strive for is fulfillment, our balance coming from each area of our lives being properly filled, not precariously balanced.  More on fulfillment tomorrow.  Until then, here’s what balance looked like for me last year.  It looks very different for me now.  I had it then and I have it now because I continue to define it for myself.  As should you.

My Balanced Life originally posted January 24, 2011

I have a balanced life.

Most evenings I leave work somewhere around 5:00 PM. I see my kids, parents, and extended family. I even cook for my family quite a bit. Once or twice a week, my husband and I walk the dogs (when it’s above freezing, anyway). I spend time with my friends. Lately I’ve been making time to exercise. I regularly update my Facebook status.

On the flip side, I’m going to grad school. I lead three or four global projects in one of the largest, well-known companies in the world. I missed Platinum status with Delta by about 1500 miles last year. I eat my lunch at my desk (or by my computer if I’m working from home) more days than not. I coach a handful of people each week.

And yes, I have a balanced life.

Balance is a funny thing. What might look nuts to you is balanced to me. Why? Because my balance is all mine. And your balance is all yours. That’s the beauty and the trouble with it. The beauty is that it is yours to find and have. The trouble is that it’s all up to you.

Sorry.

Not your boss. Not your spouse. Not your mother-in-law who won’t drop everything to stay with your sick kid. You.

I know the moment when I claimed my balance. When I declared that my life was mine and I was taking it back. Claiming and doing are not the same, mind you. It took more than that singular moment to find my balance and it would be a lie if I said it wasn’t work to maintain it. 10 years later, it can still be a daily decision to keep everything in line.

So what does balance look like for you? And what is that first step you can take? For me, it was leaving my laptop at the office when work really could wait until the next day. When I got pretty good at that, I added another step… It’s OK to have dinner at 7:00; I give the kids a snack while they watch me make supper and we eat later. And then another… I will not forgo girlfriend time, ever. And then another…

Claim your balance. It’s up to you.

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Sarcastic Ego

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I used to have a sharp tongue.  Sarcasm was my second language, perfected by zinging my younger brother once he grew too big for me to take on physically.  Ah yes, I was a smart one.  Friends would high-five, smile, or point out the “burn” delivered.  My ego loved the feedback.

I would dish it out and, often, had arrows returned to me.  Most often I could take it, but every once in a while one of those arrows would leave a mark.

It got to the point where (what I thought were) clever quips would simply fly out of my mouth, unfiltered.  And it was these remarks that left me reworking conversations in my head days later, wishing I could take them back.  I was, I’m afraid, one of those people who didn’t always leave others feeling better when they left my company.  My being funny and glib was more important than the feelings of another human being.

And so, bit-by-bit, I changed.  It wasn’t an overnight conversion.  It happened as I began to see myself in others and didn’t like the impact I observed.  Sarcasm is never delivered in a loving way.  It never makes someone feel better.  It often hurts.

As my grandma used to say, “Fun’s fun when it’s fun for everyone.”  With sarcasm, there almost always seems to be someone left out of the fun at the expense of another inflating his own ego.

I want each person who spends time with me to feel better afterward.  I want fun to be fun for everyone.  I want to be clever without taking someone down in the process.  I want my ego to be boosted by these things instead.

Coaching: Honesty

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As stated earlier in the week, honesty is a tough subject to take on because most of us see ourselves as honest people.  That said, most of us likely recognize that we have room for improvement in this area as well. I suppose that may be true for many of the topics tackled here.  As always, I invite you to really think about your answers and write them down if that makes the exercise more powerful for you.

Here we go…

Starting with yourself first, what area needs a more honest look?  These usually are areas that we’re avoiding – like my example of avoiding the scale because I didn’t want to honestly know what my weight was.  What are you avoiding so that you don’t have to really know about or deal with?  Your finances?  Your boss?  A coworker?  The scale?  How can you lean into your discomfort and make a true assessment of reality?  Once you know where you are, you can better define a new path to make changes.

Being entirely honest with oneself is a good exercise. ~Sigmund Freud

Moving on to the definition of “honest” and what that really means, how has it changed for you after reading the posts this week?  Did you, like me, see honesty as simply truth-telling?  When have you shared a truth with intentions that weren’t pure and upright?  Would you handle it differently now?  How?

Sometimes it’s good to look at ourselves and figure out how we can make some honest changes.  Of course, that requires that we have the courage to be honest with ourselves.

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What I’ve Honestly Learned

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This week’s topic of Honesty has been a learning experience for me.  I came into the week thinking about the subject in the rather black-and-white terms of lying versus truth telling and now I’m coming to understand that there is so much more to it than that.  Now I find honesty aligning more with integrity and authenticity.  Truth is still an important component, of course; however, it’s not the only piece.  Perhaps not even the most important piece.

We can tell the truth and not be honest.  That thought never occurred to me before.  Now that it has, I can think of many examples where the truth was told with bad intention, without fairness or uprightness, with insincerity in the hoped-for result.

Confession time: I can even think of a time or two where that truth came from me.  I suppose that’s why this has been a learning experience for me.

So, I’m an honest person… as are most of you.  What’s changed?  From here on out, when I share a hard truth with someone I will also examine my principles and intentions.  I’ll be sure that I’m speaking with fairness and sincerity.  I will be genuine and authentic.

If I have ulterior motives, I now know that telling the truth may not, in fact, be honest.  Honestly, the truth may need to be kept until the time comes when it can be shared in a way that meets this new, higher standard.

Honesty is the first chapter in the book of wisdom. ~Thomas Jefferson

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Honest Or Truthful?

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There’s a lot of buzz in the media today about a New York Times op ed written by a departing Goldman Sachs executive.  As I read the piece I thought that this must be a brave and honest soul, having the courage to call leaders of such a powerful institution to task in this way.

Then I recalled the definition of honest that I shared with you yesterday… And I wondered…

Did he share his thoughts with those leaders before he was ready to leave? Or did he instead stew on them and leave in a glorious, dramatic huff?  Did he work to become a catalyst for change before he gave up?

Asking these questions, it occurs to me that timing is important when sharing the truth. Giving those impacted an opportunity to change before sharing it with the world seems more honest to me than taking shots before that chance is given.

Of course, I have no way of knowing how it all went down with this particular guy, but it made me think….

Perhaps thoughts like this will help me be more honest versus simply truthful in the future.

Haven’t seen the article yet? You can read it here.

We’re All Honest, Aren’t We?

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Honesty is a tough subject to take on because, honestly, we all think we’re pretty honest.  Oh sure, there are a few George Costanzas out there who see their way of bending the truth to be a gift; but those are few.

The fact is, we strive to be honest and we all fall short of that goal.  Even in studies where researchers simply ask people how often they lie, the average is almost twice a day.  And that’s completely dependent on those people in the study telling the truth!

But there’s more to being honest than simply telling the truth or not.  In fact, checking out Dictionary.com shows that “truth” isn’t in any part of the black-and-white definition of honesty.  That definition of Honest is:

  • Honorable in principles, intentions, and actions; upright and fair: an honest person
  • Showing uprightness and fairness: honest dealings
  • Gained or obtained fairly: honest wealth
  • Sincere; frank: an honest face
  • Genuine or unadulterated: honest commodities

So when you answer the cashier at the grocery store with “yes” when he asks you if you found everything OK – and you didn’t – this alone doesn’t make you a dishonest person.

Conversely, when the truth is told with dishonorable intentions, perhaps this isn’t honest after all.  We’ve all heard people share a hurtful truth followed by, “I’m just being honest.”

But were they?

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Be Honest With Yourself

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A few people have made comments lately that lead me to believe that I might not be the only one who has found it difficult to be honest with myself from time to time.  When it comes to being honest and having integrity, how can we really exhibit those values externally if we aren’t able do so with ourselves?  In addition to living these values, being honest with ourselves is important in setting and achieving goals, too.

Several months ago I began a new fitness plan.  As part of the program, it was suggested that participants should take “before” pictures and record measurements.

I didn’t.

While I knew my physical situation had gotten bad enough so that I was ready to start exercising, I wasn’t ready to be honest about the specifics of where I was.  And while that didn’t keep me from starting, I don’t know what my actual progress has been.

So what does that hurt?  In this example, not much.  It did, however, show me how we protect ourselves from the truth from time to time.  Similarly, there are times when it can be harmful if we fail to hold up a mirror and look at the truth about who we are and what we hope to be.  When we’re defensive about feedback given, when we make excuses to skip events, or if we ignore our finances, not only do we lack integrity internally; we’re likely not being very honest with those around us as well.

What have you been ignoring or avoiding?  Maybe it’s time to hold up a mirror.

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